Family Vacation

This afternoon "The Vacation" starts. I get to be trapped in a tiny "Korean" suv for four days with my family. Four days of clenching my fists tighter and tighter and tighter. The inside of my head filled with screams. I need a vacation from the planet. My idea of a perfect vacation would be to be encapsulated in one of those bombs that burrow into the earth before they explode, then just fire me into the side of a mountain. Anyway, I'm sure we'll have loads of fun.

African Tortoise on the loose

My pal Leo

Ted Nugent VS James Carville

Right now I'm reading "Ted, White and Blue" by Ted Nugent and I've told Mrs D.O.M. to find me a book from the "other" side and I would read it. So after Sir Ted's book I'll be reading James Carville's new book. I'll post my take on both books when I'm finished. I've never read any of Mr Carville's stuff but I like that fact that he killed people for the Clinton's and he's a regular guest on Imus.

Saturday continued

Lately I've be as close to a nervous breakdown as a person can get without actually crossing over. It's like I'm standing on the very end of a diving board outside of the International Space Station and I have a rope around my neck. A rhinocerous that's been floating around in space has just found the other end of the rope and has wet itself with giddiness. The rhino, lets call her "Madness", puts the rope around her neck and all of a sudden starts doing the Macarena. Then I snap out of it and I realize I'm still on this side of the "Normal". I'm at the artist's building and I'm working on the storage units that they're paying me to build. I get back to work and all of a sudden I hear "This looks like fun". I turn to see who it is and it's a clown. No lie. Also keep in mind that I haven't seen another person all day. Acting as if this is the most normal thing that's ever happened to me, we strike up a conversation. I don't even acknowledge that he's a clown. After he left I thought to myself "that was probably the most normal person I have ever met". I felt so at ease, the clown somehow took all of my stress away.

Saturday In The Land of OZ

Today I'll be building storage units for some artists. I'm making 15 cages for them to store their stuff. Working there late last night and pounding down white wine spritzers like a mad viking has put a damper on my mood and energy. I need coffee.

Tuesday

Not unlike Ted Bundy, I sit rocking in my chair gazing out the window. I'm staring at my African tortoise and pickin the banjo. Why, exactly, am I on this planet? I have a plan I'm about to hatch to get in good with the woodchuck. It's quite foolproof. Nothing wrong with having a pet groundhog. They're expendable. I can have this one. The torstoise just walked outside of my field of vision. I've got to go get him and put him back in his pen for the night

Opie Taylor

This photo was taken on the set of The Andy Griffith Show in 1963. I was Ron Howard's stunt double for three years. Whenever you saw Opie getting socked in the eye by a bully or kissed by a girl or shooting a baby bird with a BB gun, that was me.

It's a Boy!!!!

Finally I have a son. This morning I was looking out my upstairs bathroom window(spying on my tortoise)when I noticed a big ball of fur looking inside Leo's "house". It was the woodchuck that my family has been seeing these last few days. My lifelong dream of owning a woodchuck has come true. Oh, and I DO own him. I will call him "The Maestro". After taking a bunch of pictures of him and watching him for what seemed like forever, the boredom took over and I chased him under the "chicken shed". He must be living under there.

Blogging from the festival

I'm sitting here at the Lowell Folk Festival drinking yet another coffee. I didn't need the last one. I'm staring at a freak as I sit here writing this. This jerk has no interest in art, he probably wants to eat us. Ya, have a nice day pal.

Concord Market Days

Concord Market Days was a blast. Especially the Art Market section down in the brick courtyard. Mrs D.O.M. had a great weekend sales wise despite all of my fried dough and ice cream money I kept taking from her. I enjoyed listening to the great music and watching this very diverse group of lunatics pedal their craft.

Saturday?

What the hell do I do with the twins today. This is day three. Yesterday we saw the movie "Up" which was fabulous. We eat our weight in chocolate and ice cream every day. I'm sure my nervous breakdown will be here any minute. Very stressed. I think we'll go to the Art Museum today. Then I'll put them in the lobby of my Mother's place and ring the bell and run(like those sissies on the beach in the movie Chariots of Fire, soundtrack playing in my head).Running away at top speed, in my boots, jeans and my "Guns Don't Kill People I Do" tee shirt. I'll run until my bacon filled heart explodes. OK. Anyway, I've got to go. Off to the Museum. I need coffee.

Metal Samurai

It took me two years but I'm finally finished with my samurai

I Almost Forgot

While driving around looking for antique shops with my wife we spotted two baby woodchucks by the side of the road and I had a major meltdown. She refused to stop the car so I could get out and "Get" one. She thought I was joking when I screamed "PULL THE FUCK OVER". She just laughed, going along with what she thought was a joke. I was dead serious. It's been a lifelong dream of mine to find an abandoned baby woodchuck and raise it as my own. The farther we got from my dream the more frantic I became. I started to thrash around in my seat like I was being electrocuted, violently tearing at the seat belt and pulling at the door handle which she kept locking. I punched her in the side of her neck(in my mind)then slammed myself back into my seat and began to pout. That lasted about ten seconds until I remembered the old pipe I bought at the flea market. I pulled it out of my bag, looked out the window and took a long draw from the unlit pipe then(with filthy pipe in hand) I started talking like Thurston Howell for the next two hours

Bad Ass Vacation. Not for Everyone

Zoos, antique shopping, plain hamburgers, claw machines, me throwing a tantrum for not being allowed to buy a puppet, making fun of people, watching Mrs D.O.M. yell at Sarah Palin on her laptop, borrowing a pencil so I could draw Willy Wonka, stealing beach toys, buying a Ballad of The Green Berets album, buying an old pipe that smells like it was stored in a World War II veteran's ass. Drinking Guiness, listening to Mrs D.O.M. scream in traffic at Marine twice my size, watching Mrs D.O.M. flip old lady driver the bird, stand on corner in Ogunquit while Mrs D.O.M. shops for dresses, contemplating why I am even on this planet