Cake

How come every time I cut into a piece of chocolate cake, I hear Austin Powers voice in my head saying"Oh, behave"?

Ladybugs

Last fall, my house was invaded by ladybugs. So I rounded them up by the hundreds and put them in a bug habitat to spend the winter in my mudroom. Well, yesterday on my wife's birthday the habitat fell of the shelf and hit her on the head, so she kicked their little world out of the mudroom and onto the deck, where I was standing. I was mortified to say the least. Those little guys are my kin. Anyway, I picked it up and looked inside to see if all was well. I think there was no harm done because they all appeared to be still "sleeping". I think the shriveling up and turning black is a hibernation thing. Once they thaw out, my sweet little friends will live once again. You can be sensitive and manly, that's all I'm saying.

Tattoo

Today was my wife Vicki's birthday so I figured as a gift I would make myself even more manly. I got a tattoo of her name on my calf. After, we went out to dinner at a nice Chinese restaurant, where I single handily ate like a pack of hyenas. I have tommorow off, and if you know the Doctor of Manliness, you know what that means. Morbid boredom. So stay tuned right here to find out if waterboarding myself was a good idea.

Its not easy.....

Now I have to go to the store and get ice cream for these bitches

My Wife

My non-stop playing of the Dick Shawn post(My Alter Ego) has finally pushed my wife over the edge. She just ran upstairs crying. There is something seriously wrong her. How about getting a sense of humor. I will never tire of that video. NEVER! They can all go to hell. Its for her own good anyway,

Easter Dinner

I've just finished polishing off a King Kong Bundy sized piece of cheesecake. I've eaten so much, I think I'm going blind. Very nice dinner over Denise and Kevin's house. A melee almost broke out over the merits of The Golden Girls TV show. My brother while doing his, dead on, Maude imitation, had to be dragged away from the table because no one agreed with his assertion that The Golden Girls was a righteous and manly show. Picture Professor Toru Tanaka yelling at a crowd of people, sounding like Beatrice Arthur. The highlight of the dinner was when, driving away, I noticed my 5 year old twins had made off with my sister's Laurel and Hardy dolls. In your face Denise!

Earl Scruggs Magnets

My wife made me some cool bottlecap magnets.

Sunday Morning Coming Down

This morning, during a driving lesson with Taylor, she told me some shocking and quite frankly very disturbing news. Not only does she not like Freddy Fender, she hates him! My 16 year old stepdaughter hates the Mexican Elvis. The one thing that I have always been afraid of, hearing her say, I hate him and his music,I can see hating him, but both the man and his music. My life seems like a waste now. Wasted days, and wasted nights. I threw up in my mouth when she mistook Waylon Jennings for Kenny Rogers. I guess my life lessons thru country music songs have been falling on deaf ears.

Saturday Morning

I've been out in the workshop making a display stand for my wife's gallery/studio, to display some jewlery she is making. Also I polished the dining room table with WD-40, not sure if that was a good idea. Just finished and on-line banjo lesson from the "MusicMoose". I'm thinking of making a hurdy gurdy, or a giant crossbow.

Vintage Manly Doings, In Very Cool Shades

Thursday

Its more than a simple craving. Sometimes I find myself at the drive thru window and have no idea how I got there. One minute I'm flying down the highway imagining I'm the drummer for The Who, and the next minute I'm at the Dunkin Donuts drive thru with no idea of how I got there or who I ran over in the process. There must be some "force" eminating from the pot and traveling through the air looking for a host. Like a liquid May West that starts seductively calling to me. Actually it might be more like Aquaman when he sends out those thoughtwaves to all his fish friends,whenever he is in trouble. A blonde Aquaman with big breasts who sounds like May West. Sometimes I spend an entire day with just one cup of coffee, taking baby sips throughout the day. Something magical happens to you when you spend an entire day with just you WHAT THE HELL AM I TALKING ABOUT, I GOTTA GO

This Weekend

Holding on is no longer an option, I have let go and have started tumbling down the road that few have ever returned from. There is a blinding light up ahead. The closer I get, the faster I tumble, until I'm just a whirling blurring giggling mass of babbling madness. It didn't have to end this way, no sir, this wasn't suppose to be. Or maybe its just my mind playing tricks on me again, my head feels like a giant pumpkin and I'm having trouble with reality. I didn't have my afternoon coffee yesterday and had coffee dreams all night. I woke up this morning in my hotel with a baby migraine brewing. I couldn't get the hotel phone to bring me coffee, and my wife wouldn't go get me some. She called me the Doctor of Selfishness, the bitch. I didn't want to eat, I just wanted coffee, but I knew the restaurant downstairs would have coffee. I wept freely to myself at the lovely aroma of my coffee, I gave my cup a tiny kiss when no one was looking. I wanted bacon and eggs, but for some reason, like a myna bird I ordered what my wife ordered. I was still too focused on my cup of goodness to be thinking straight. How bad could eggs Benedick be anyway? Well for starters, for the first time in human history, they put spinach in it. In my head, I pounded the food, plates, table and my wife, into a fine powder. Then I scraped the wretched weed from my food and ate. Spinach indeed!

Grey Jay

Here we see one of the many wild creatures that seek my council. You can almost feel the love and oneness thats happening between me and my little friend.

Friday Night

Driving to dinner tonight, some conversation was going on between me and my wife and somewhere in the fog of my brain I heard her say, "that's apropo" I turned to her, and in my head I screamed, "What the f... does that even mean" Then I turned back and continued staring out of the widow, in my usual daze.

Spring thaw

Well, the pool liner is trashed, the ladder is broken, the wall of the pool is split and bent in a bunch of places. I'm sure that the pump is all cracked from being left out all winter, same goes for the filter. It's as if someone just abandoned the pool in the fall, with no winter preparation whatsoever. There are pool toys of all kinds, entombed in the ice. The ice that's shredding the new liner that I put in last year. Winter came in fast and hard with no time to prepare. She was a swift and evil whore this year. I didn't even have time to put my riding and push lawnmowers away(In the empty shed they are parked next to.) I can see the top of the seat to the mower, peaking out of the snow. My 300. dollar mosquito magnet is also coming into view as the snow melts. Not to mention the camper that I didn't get a chance to cover. Or my BBQ that I left running with the lid up and hamburgers still cooking. All ruined.

Tapey

Behold Tapey. Believe it or not the Tapester is made out of nothing but tape cardboard and newspaper.

ODIN

Take a good look boys and girls, your looking at the top of the manliness food chain. This is the template folks, study his greatness. No wasted movement, nothing overstated, Richie Cunningham haircut, ripped forearms, wearing the same lumberjack shirt every day. The ultimate and most perfect human. God made only one man is his own image and his name is Norm Abram. Love and worship him.

Sunday Evening

Spent the entire day drawing and doing lame crafts, with the twins from the Shining. My swimming pool is collapsing. Which doesn't upset me. If it falls down, I'll rent a bulldozer and push it into the woods and let Earth Mother take it back. It's bio-degradable, and that's what I'm all about.

Welcoming change

The madness is near, I can feel its weight all around. It is real. There is a certain density to it. It hasn't enveloped me, mind you, but it is courting me. It's like a vampire floating outside my window, just out of sight. I know its out there and I'm enchanted.

Being a Dad

I hate to lose. I hate to lose to a girl. I hate to lose to a 5 year old girl. I hate to lose at Candyland. I am so mad right now. If my front yard wasn't filled with snow I would do what I usually do at a time like this. I'd take one of their favorite toys out into the front yard, and have a good old fashion one man rugby match with it. Thrashing it all through the flower bed and rose bushes. Maybe throw it at a passing car. The whole time they would be forced to watch me through the window. Finally when I start to tire(after about 30 or so seconds), I boot it into a tree, to serve as a reminder of the consequence of what they did to me.

Lair of Manliness

Obi Wan

My first banjo, OB-1 is finished, well 99% finished. I needed to tweak the neck a little bit, so I shimmed it with cardboard for now. Amazingly I was able to tune it. Now I have 2 banjos that I don't know how to play

Winding Down

The weekend is almost done. Boredom has broken down the door to my soul and dragged me out here to the chicken shed. I saw some tracks circling the shed a couple of mornings ago. It will be a bad day for all the living creatures of the world if harm comes to my hens. I am like their silverback ,the wise old guardian, tearing limb from limb any potential harm doers. I know they love me and take comfort in my presence. The cold night find the shed a calming and peaceful place. My motorcycle sits, waiting for its master, like a noble stallion. I swear I just heard a rooster crow.

Sunday Morning

Sojourn to "Toyland" with the kids this morning. Our mission was to find a Bozo The Clown doll that we saw the last time we were there. Along with Bozo we were to obtain some items of silliness that would help set the mood for the day. We didn't find Bozo, but a few silly things were had. A couple of stupid stuffed animals, some little smurf figures that I'm sure are loaded with lead paint and one fabulous Pinocchio marionette. Not nearly as great as the Marionettes that The Doctor of Manliness makes, but hey no real man can pass up chance for another puppet. Anyway, I've eaten all the leftover Chinese food and the rest of the cheese danish and I'm forced to be drinking tea. I AM ALL OUT OF COFFEE! No way to get it either. Verde went to her studio to paint and I'm stuck in this wretched house with these freaks.

Chinese Food!

Ok bitches, Chinese food is on the way and you can all go to hell because I'm hungry and hopped up on 2 pots of coffee.