Oak Tree

Today I collected some leaves, from my friend, a tree. A mighty oak that stands next to my mail box. I say hello to this tree every day when I get my mail. I view the leaves as a gift from this tree. My children were so excited when I brought them in. Very beautiful and colorful. If it feels right, tomorrow I will ask for a few more.

Mount Washington, Cool Clouds

Sweet Memories

The first time I tried Laudanum was with Neil Diamond(the singer). I met him waiting for a flight at the Anchorage airport in 1993. He was returning from a fishing trip and I was going back home after spending 5 weeks on Denali. My stink and 3rd degree sun burnt face caught his attention. I was putting some cream on my scabbed up face when he just walked up to me and said, "Hey son, I've got something that will take your mind off your face". He then open up his cape and reached in his vest and pulled out a bottle that turned out to be Laudanum. He put his arm around me and said he had always wanted to be friends with a real mountain climber. We sat down, waiting for our respective flights, swapping war stories. We arm wrestled for the last shooter of Laudanum. He won, of course, he has gorilla arms, as you know. The next thing I knew, someone was pulling my bleeding head, out of a cigarette machine and Mr Diamond had vanished.

Death Comes to World Manliness Headquarters

I just had to bury one of Vicki's finches. Johnnny died today, we have no idea how old she was. Johnny and June were the first of four finches she got a few months back. When she got Jack, and he started making sweet bird love to Johnny, we figured Johnny was a girl( or gay). So, I just got back inside from burying her. I slam dunked her into a hole I dug next to my beloved Ruben. I said rest in peace Jack, because I didn't know she was Johnny, and covered the old girl with some dirt.

John "Wayne" McCain

Dump Run

This morning I went to the Transfer/Recycling center to get rid of my couch. I don't go there often and I had no sticker on my truck, which made me little nervous. I parked my pick up truck and went into the office. Two intimidating old timers where there, they had this, "Can I help you" thing going on. And I, not used to talking to strangers, asked in an unusually(almost yelling) loud voice "I have no sticker on my truck can I get rid of my couch here?" They gave each other , the all to familiar "what an idiot" look. The head guy made me go get my license plate number. I fumbled with the door an went back outside. I was getting pissed off. "Were they laughing at me?" "They're playing games with me." I could feel the anger inside me building. I'm not some joke. They were old, but there were two of them. If there was going to be trouble I needed to be ready. I went back in with my plate number ready to attack. The leader of the two made a sudden move, which made me jump. I was reaching for a pot of hot coffee to smash him in the face with, when he got up and handed me my sticker, and directed me where to go. Humiliated, I got back into my truck. After backing up to the wrong stall, I found the right spot and dumped my couch. They watched me from the window of their office. I could see them laughing.

Some much needed humor

Close Call

So I'm on this service call today in some one's house. The home owner,a woman is holding a newborn baby. In mid sentence she says "Can you hold on a second", then pulls out her breast and starts feeding the kid. Hell-f-ing-lo. I ran out of the room and hid in her sons room(who had just pissed his pants, by the way). The little freak followed me into his room, so I booked it down into their basement and closed the door behind me. I stood down there for what I thought was an appropriate amount of time, then I went back up to finish the conversation. What's wrong with people? I'm supposed to give her a quote for some work, but I can never go back again.

There is a story behind this carnage

Sunday morning found the D.O.M. ,in his living room, wailing away at a sectional sofa with a hammer. As crazy as this seems, the madness was justified. With the new couch Verde just bought, the old one had to go. The problem was that it had a pull-out bed on one side and two recliners on the other side and it weighed a ton. Even I, with my huge guns and Bruce Lee abs, could not move this beast. Being the Doctor of Manliness, asking for help from another man was out of the question. So just me and the "Christmas Hammer"( a hammer won in a raffle last Christmas) went to work. I tore the beast to shreds. I lost myself in the act, becoming somewhat deranged and disorientated. When it was over, the couch and the living room were destroyed. Somehow I threw the "Christmas Hammer" threw the window and my mouth was full of stuffing from one of the pillows. The ringing in my ears turned out to be my six year old twins screaming.

Sunday Night

I'm bored. Well, the chickens are still alive. I went looking for them in the woods and found them, not too far, kicking back in some underbrush. They gave me the usual, "We're not dead, you big headed idiot, piss off and go pay attention to your family and loose the uni-brow it's not working for you", look. I splashed them with my coffee and went back to being driven bat-shit crazy by my children. Anyway, its almost nine, the girls are in bed and I'm going outside to make sure the hens are back in their house. Night time is the only time they will talk to me. I sit up against the shed, in the darkness, and have a conversation with them. I make this soft, "dook dook dook" sound ( in a whispering Miss Piggy, kind of way) and they quietly respond to me, which sometimes makes me cry.

Nap Time for the D.O.M.

Two hot pockets
Two devil dogs
Feeling a little nappish
Last two hens dead?
Maybe, haven't seen them
Not sure I give a crap
Back on the swine
Better to honor a pig
by eating it?

...On Becoming A Man

A man does not EVER call in sick because he feeling a little under the weather. You can consider yourself a man only when you go to work every day, and work like a madman for at least 8 hours. Staying home to mend your hemp bloomers is not an option. And when you are sick or broken in some way, no one wants to hear how you're feeling. We all get bumps and bruises (try being the D.O.M. 24/7). You don't get rewarded with a day off just because you threw up, you get a slap in the face because you're still a bitch. Men go to work every day, until they die. Fairies go to work when it suits them. Hurt yourself at work? Walk it off, maybe put your fist through something (living or dead). You don't sue someone because your too much of a weakling to take a little punishment. "Please pay me because I have a boo boo" is reserved for girls. I've had the privledge of watching real men go to chemotherapy in the morning and be back building houses after lunch, and loving it. Think about that next time you get the sniffles.

Stocks are low, now is the time to buy...

...bullets

Apple Pickin

It's just me and the twins. I'M thinking we should go apple/ pumpkin picking. Nothing manlier. Possibly hit a book store on the way home. Who knows what the day will bring. We're maniacs, anything's possible. Coffee? Sure. Happy Meals? Of course. Pottie stops? Most likely. We're going to kick open the doors to Borders screaming "Which way to the kids section, bitches." As long as we get back in time for my 2 hour nap.