New Project

I have to move my African Salcatta (third largest tortoise on the planet) into a new room in the basement. His cage is 4ft by 8ft, and is taking up large portion of the twins future classroom/playroom. In the summer he spends most of his time outside, but he spend his nights inside. Also he spends the entire winter inside. When outside he eats constantly, and craps like a rhino, he craps like a rhino inside too, and if he misses his bath he smells like an elephant. His thrashing around in his cage sounds like there's a dump truck in the driveway. He is the perfect household pet. Anyway, I need to dismantle his cage and move it into his new room. The new room will also house Herman, my much smaller and stupider tortoise. The new room is only 12ft x 12ft, so it will be a challenge to make this work.

Sunday

I rode down to Massachusettes and had breakfast with Uncles Ron and John. Hash and eggs baby, the breakfast of vikings. The hour and a half, rain soaked 45 degree ride home on the motorcycle was fun.

A Deadly Game of Chess

I've spent the entire morning snooping around the local woodlands looking for the perp who dug its way into my hen house. I found a fresh kill right behind the shed. The painting and other nonsense Vicki has planned for me is just going to have to wait. This is big time stuff, we have an unknown predator lurking in the woods, and its trying to get at my hens. It's most likely a raccoon, fox or fisher cat. Each one more evil than the next. If whatever it is get inside, it will be a bloodbath, my babies wont stand a chance. I wonder, to spare them a potentially horrifying death, should I just put them out of their misery now? That may be just what the fox wants me to do, I would be playing right into its greedy little paws. It must be a fox, to be that cunning. He's trying to get me to kill my own chickens, because he can't figure out how to get in. I've got goosebumps just thinking about it. This fox is a genius. But how does he benefit by me killing the chickens. If he's half as smart as I think he is, he knows I build caskets for all my fallen fowl, and bury them deep in the ground. There has to be another angle I'm not thinking of. No, he doesnt want me to kill the chickens, he digs killing too much...

New Gear Added

Do to the huge demand, I added a couple of new items to the store. Also, something was trying to dig its way into the hen house last night, so stay tuned. Things could get a little ugly around here. Lots to do today, we are re-vamping the upstairs bedrooms.

New Domain!

World manliness headquarters just got a new domain. www.doctorofmanliness.com is our new address. Like I no what a domain is, or if that's even the right term. Whatever it is, I'm taking it on a more global level. The time is ripe for my kind of justice. A weekly live, streaming show is also in the works. If McCain loses this election, its up to me to inspire future generations to rise, shit, my wife just got home. Catch ya later, freaks.

And The Winner Is...

Sir Alfred Gore. With Senators Obama and Clinton tearing the Democratic party apart, we are going to see Big Al, floating like an angel, into the convention in Denver to save the party and, if you ask him, the world. The D.O.M.s prediction is, His holiness will be the nominee and a deafening worldwide hysteria will follow. He is our next president. He has the tree hugging sissy vote all locked up.

Sunday Evening

Well, I wasted an entire day making a stupid boardwalk, over a puddle. My old lady is madder than my angry fists, for not doing any of her assignments. Although I did dig 5 holes, to plant some shrubs. OK, I just shoved a pawful of chocolate chip cookies into my mouth.

John McCain's bridge to nowhere.

I started to build a bridge across the crick that runs behind my shed. I am building it because Vicki has a thousand other things for me to do.

Aunt Marie

Yesterday we went to my Aunt Marie's funeral. We said goodbye to a wonderful person. She was always very kind and generous. Always making sure the I had enough to eat. She would be deathly ill and still insist on getting up and making me a sandwich, of course I didn't stop her, because they were always delicious. One of my first memories as a human, was eating macaroni and cheese at her house, I was three. And (can you begin a sentence with and?) if you know the Doctor of Manliness at all, you know about my un-natural love for the macs-n-cheese. I bleed macaroni and cheese. Also, one of the funniest lines I have every heard was uttered by her. Her husband, Uncle Ron, was telling me a few years back about how he was retired. She was at the stove making me a sandwich and turned around and said to him, "You're not retired, you're retarded". I still crack up when I think about it. Rest in peace, Auntie.

Just got my Dr. Laura doll. I'm stoked

All I need now is Paul Harvey and Henry Wrinkler to complete the "Heroes of the D.O.M series. Although I had a falling out with my Norm Abram doll. I ripped his bearded little head off when he tried to criticize a miniature tea set I made for him.

When painting the trim on a window, is it OK to paint over the ladybugs? Oh and by the way, there was a couple of ladybugs flying around the light in my bedroom, and the twins wanted me to get rid of them. I walked into the room and held out my hand. Then I told the bugs to get in my hand, and they did, they flew into my hand. This really happened. Somehow they knew I would help them. Then I brought them outside and set them free. After crushing them in my hand, of course(that part didn't happen).

Tuesday

How come every time I start to "play" my banjo, my wife comes up with something for me to do? My creative genius is being stymied. Wait until she finds out about my full scale trebuchet I plan on building with the wood from the pool deck I destroyed. If God didn't want me to build a pumpkin hurler, he wouldn't have made me tear down the pool deck. I will be able to launch a Chevy at my neighbors house. And that is exactly what I intend to do.

Yoda

The Chicken Song

Chicken love chicken love
fury little chicken love
running round the yard
giving them the boot
kick em in the bushes
maybe in a tree
I love those freaky little birds
smack em in the jib
chicken love chicken love
I have no friggin point
Ruben sleeps under ground
I dont dig on swine
unless of course its bacon
chicken love chicken love
on the up and up
chicken love chicken love
chase with the rake
all in fun this crazy game
my little cackling hens

The pool and pool deck have seen better days. I scrapped the pool yesterday, all that's left is a pool shaped iceberg and the liner. I'm taking apart the deck, board by board, with a baby sledgehammer. My arms are getting huge from all this work. I'm hoping to save some of the mahogany to build some lawn furniture. We will see, don't get your hopes up, Vicki.

Fed the Chickens

OK, so I cry when I feed my chickens. Big deal. I love them, and they love me even more. The only way to describe it is that feeling when a parent watches his child being born. That's what comes over me whenever I'm around them.

Oatmeal Credits

I've been eating oatmeal almost every morning for months. Not the instant sugar loaded packet stuff, but the taste like an old library book kind. The stuff that comes in a cylindrical box with a picture of Barbara Bush on the front. Anyway, this stuff removes anything bad from your body, so eating oatmeal in the morning means you can eat and do anything you want for the rest of the day. I ate almost a half a gallon of orange sherbet last night, after a dinner of pizza and cookies. Doesn't matter people, with the oatmeal in my system, working its magic, its like I ate a big bowl of vegetables. Not only are you above the law, but when you are on the "O", you are quite bulletproof.

Leonardo gets some sun,

After a long winter, Leonardo the tortoise finally got to go outside. That freak show, next to Leonardo, is our "dog" Sushi.

Pool Saga

I started dis-mantling the pool deck. I'm not totally ripping it to shreds because I want to salvage as much of the wood as possible(because thats what Odin(Norm) would want me to do). I will use the wood to build a swing set/play area for the girls. It looks like the deck may have played a hand in taking out the pool. The back corner of the deck is leaning into the pool. I think the four feet of snow on the deck tweaked it into the pool, pushing the ice in the pool and ripping the liner thus causing the floating iceberg to sink and crumple the wall. So, Mr pool will be going to the scrap yard, and the kids will have some kind of a mutant splintery play house.

Saturday Afternoon

I took my motorcycle out of the shed for the first time since Thanksgiving. Other than a fine coating of "chicken dust", she made it through the winter unscathed. She shared the shed with the chickens, and some mice. After slaughtering seven mice in the fall, I declared a truce with the rest of them. I told them, "as long as you leave the bike alone, no more will die". They kept their promise and so did I. After a quick wash, I took her for a ride out to the graveyard to visit my Father and Uncle Jim. Usually I bring Vodka, but this time I forgot, which pisses them off.

Leif Erikson's Vice

I finally mounted the woodworking vice that my Uncle Dick gave me. It is so frigging manly, you don't even know. My wife doesn't understand its importance, and that's a shame(She said I should put my head in it). The mounting bracket weighs about 30 pounds. My workbench sagged about 3 inches when I mounted it. I had to beef it up with a two by four, or the bench would have been torn apart by the shear manliness of the beast. I still need to make sure that the framing under the two by four support is resting on a floor joist, or else the vice will drive the wood right through the floor. The side wall of my workshop actually groaned when I mounted it. Not a creak, but an actual human groan.

Ladybug Update

Well, today was a nice warm day, so I decided to let the ladybugs go. I had 51 special little cuties, they spent the winter in a bug habitat that I bought for them. You should have seen them. I went out on the deck, zipped open the door to their temporary home, and let them blow away in the wind. Kind of like when Opie Taylor shot that bird and then nursed it back to health, then touchingly let the bird free. Yes, it was just like that, except all 51 ladybugs were quite dead.

Thursday Morning

No cream in my coffee. Isn't that a Guess Who song. Everyone is sleeping, my favorite time of day. The stupid dog must have heard me, because here she is. "Hi my little love bug", I mean, "Get away from me, swill". Our chinchilla is more of a dog than she is. Anyway, on today's agenda is a drive out to the western part of the state to deliver a painting to a gallery the my wife works with. Yesterday I made up some more frames for her smaller paintings. Mostly I just hid my workshop. It goes like this. OK, I'll be out in my shop, making up those frames for you. Then what really happens is, I go out and turn up the music and play air guitar on a piece of scrap wood for a half an hour. If I get lucky, like yesterday, a block of Jethro Tull songs come on, and I play air flute intertwined with some karate kicks. I did get some work done though. Thanks to the new tools (old and awesome) that a Viking God(Uncle Dick) gave me. Instead of what I was "supposed" to be doing, I started working on building my Luigi some hands. Luigi is the hand less marionette(the only child I really love) that is pictured in a previous post. The scums are up, so I gotta go.

Pool Update

My pool is officially toast. The liner is ripped in a number of places the wall is crumpled and buckled, the deck is even twisted and heaving up in one corner. And , no matter what my wife says, no way is it my fault. Even a hint that its my fault sends me into a violent tantrum. I am not a pool guy! Side note, I'm writing this with a banjo around my neck and not only am I not playing, I don't even know how. So anyway, who said I know anything about pools. Pool is destroyed, now what. Check mate, Vicki.