Expedition Franconia August 2007

Day 1, Saturday 3pm Cloudy 60s

We arrive at base camp after an uneventful journey up the highway, made pit stop for lottery tickets in Lincoln. After setting up base camp we went on multiple short hikes to explore surrounding area. Hour three found me staring into the fire in disbelief thinking to myself, I cant believe I have to pay for this madness. To camp actually costs money. Later on the two older females head off to, what else, play bingo. I'm trying to run a bleeping expedition and this is what I'm dealing with. Me and the two small lookalikes end up playing some nonsensical game with tiny playing cards.

Day 2 , Sunday 7 am, 46 degrees

Well, we made it through the first night. A little cold out this morning. Got the fire going with one match. The coffee tastes good. The rest of the expedition are still in the camper. The smallest female is in a foul mood(crying). The oldest female spilt the coffee because one of the other females doesn't know how to butter a bagel properly. The larger of the very small ones "seems" cheerful. The "dog", well the dog is disgusting. 8 am, one of the smallings is peeing in my bed as I write this, I am sure of it. Its getting warmer. The time is right, for an assault on the Basin. They are still in the camper! Their weakness sickens me.

Day 2 continued, 3pm ,partly sunny 60

Morale is at an all time low. All team members moping in camper. One of the small females has vomited all over my bed and most of my clothes. The sortie to the Basin with two of "them" was a success. We found the basin and returned with all of my wits. The dog shivers itself into a terrified frenzy at the slightest breeze. The oldest female/cook has stopped cooking since she ran out of leftover Chinese food. I make a smokey fire for spite. Little fat kid keeps walking by carrying rocks. At least he is doing something. I like the cut of his jib. Wish I had beer. Day 2 of our 5 day expedition and I can already feel the madness starting to creep in. Should I put all the wood on the fire now? The "camp" "ranger" keeps riding by on his golf cart, whats that all about? The camper is very quiet, they must be gearing up for a major push later on. If the vomiter feels better we may make another trek outside of base camp.

Sunday 4pm

Just got back from the trading post to see if they sold beer, no luck. I got myself an ice cream cone instead. I hide the wrapper because I know the second oldest female would have wanted one. From the nods and waves on the way to the trading post I get the feeling that the local population is finally starting to accept me. What is it that makes one "mad"? Would a madman eat an ice cream cone. Or does the act of eating an ice cream cone define one as a madman. I think someone is moving around in the camper. At last!

Monday morning 43 degrees clear skies

Team still in camper. The smaller lookalike has vomited on all my bedding and warm clothes. May have to abort expedition if she doesn't get better. I'm sitting by a small fire as I write this. Small because one of the miniatures is afraid of fire ( why she signed on to a wilderness expedition I will never know). Its more of a tiny scale model of a fire. Turns out the camp dog is actually some kind of monkey hybrid. Its sits loyally by my side ready to pounce on anything smaller than a gnat. Looks like a beautiful day in store for team Franconia. Hopefully morale will improve soon. Tempers flared last night between the two older females because the older one forgot to pack the graham crackers. The shorter of the two faced an almost life threatening decision of not being able to feed her smores addiction or venturing out to find some "friendly" natives who were willing to barter for some precious grahams. She did in fact procure the graham crackers and thus avoided what could have proved a disastrous split in the group. I think the older one still has a little hostility festering because while I was trying to start a fire to melt the crust of ice off of my bare feet (in my only clean tee shirt left) she yelled from under her mountain of blankets and pillows not to start a fire because I might scare the 2 dwarfs (who were asleep in the camper). Maybe its me.

Monday continued 11:42 am. 67 partly cloudy

The expedition has packed up and is headed back to civilization due to what appears to be altitude sickness in one of the lookalikes. Pick up remedy at local market. Almost lost my cool trying to procure an iced beverage from the locals. After having a sampling of their nuggets of chicken my mood took a turn for the better. Their fried potatoes would be a hit back in civilization. Monkey/dog afraid to urinate. All in all I would say the expedition was not a total failure. Find the "Land of Stories", we did not, nor did we make it to the fabled village of the Santa Clause, but we did find the "Basin". We pushed ourselves to the brink and beyond on this one.

Pigeon

He is still here. It's defintiely Harvey Korman. I'm going to name him Gazoo.

Friday Night

I've got some groovy Mel Torme radio playin, never been so bored in my life. I wish I had a Gatling Gun. Nat King Cole, man, he was a crooner. Dig the tunes you freaks. Harvey Korman is dead. Mel Torme, he makes me feel all nice inside, like I just had a glass of warm milk. Just swayin a baby bit, a little tear. Lena Horne, what a crazy broad. A guy could get in trouble with a dame like that. Stupid homing pigeon came back today, cased him away with a rake, enough is enough, go back to Vermont with the rest of the dope smoking hippies.

Carrier Pigeon

Walking around the yard, doing D.O.M. type stuff this afternoon, I noticed a pigeon on my fence. I have not seen a pigeon in my yard in all the time I have lived here(10 years), so I knew something extraordinary was happening. I slowly walked up to him, using all my Chicken Whisperer techniques. He allowed me to go right up to him, then he flew down into the yard. We walked around the yard together for quite sometime(actually I was crawling along beside him). I noticed he had tags on both of his legs. After gaining his confidence, I picked him up and Vicki got a good look at his tags. I did a search on the net and found out he's from Vermont. It was one of the most magical moments of my life. Now a couple of hours later I find out Harvey Korman is dead, and it all makes sense.

Mother Nature's Son

I decided to start a garden, maybe start eating stuff a little lower on the food chain. Once I picked out a suitible plot of land, I grabbed a rake, pick and a shovel. I have never planted a garden, but I'm pretty sure you have to thrash the dirt a bit, and take out any big rocks. So that's what I did. I have to tell you, twilight was upon me, the wind was howling, and after a while I got into this zone where I kind of felt like I was an old Japanese peasant farmer from one of those old Akira Kurasawa movies. All of a sudden I was in this field of tall grass, the wind whipping my tattered clothes, hands blistered and calloused from a lifetime of hard labor. I start thinking to myself when will this bitter existence be over. Wild horses thunder by. Then, I hear giggling from a window and Vicki and the twins are laughing at me. Back to stupid reality.

Memorial Day

Within the last hour I have had, in this order, a medium iced coffee, a shot of vodka, two huge plates of Chinese food and a big piece of leftover chocolate birthday cake. Me not feel very well. Iced coffee on the way to the cemetery to have a drink with my old man, grey goose with Vicki and Tony(rest in peace) at the cemetary.Then we picked up Chinese food on the way home. Did a dead on, Cookie Monster eating Chinese food imitation. I felt pretty sick after that. Then I had a big slab of cake, that I ate with my hands and no plate. I left a trail of cake up to my kids room, which I will get in trouble for, momentarily. I'm on a Chinese food bender to show my support for the good people of China.

New Lawn Mower

SCORE!!!!!!!

I got myself a new mower. Bought it off of two World War One veterans, at a flea market, for 15 bucks. Another step closer to being off the grid. Plus after using it for 10 minutes my arms are about to fall off and my back is numb, so I should be built like Conan the Barbarian by the end of the summer, or face down in my front yard, dead from a stroke by tomorrow afternoon. Either way is fine by me.

I Sold My Motorcycle Today

Due to the "greening" of "World Manliness Headquarters" , I had to sell my motorcycle. I needed to raise funds to install a solar hot water heating system at the compound. I kind of feel like I just gave my dog away. I'll be posting progress reports in the coming weeks on the progress of the Solar Project. Planting trees, raising chickens, hatching frog eggs(mosquito eggs, it turns out), solar panels, banjos, I think this is how Ted Kazinski started out. I just need to start making my own bullets.

Dr. Doolittle of Manliness

Its more than just being friends with all the creatures of the universe, its like they are an extension of my goodness. All the kittens and puppies of the world are merely just a manifestation of the oneness that is The D.O.M. All the tiny little birds chirpin and peepin are really saying, "Hey, I dig the Doctor of Manliness, he's a kind fella".

Who Is Smarter?

4:00 A.M.

This morning I was jolted awake by the sound of some animal in the process of being torn to bits. Imagine the sound of a mountain gorilla pummelling a grizzly bear with a live goose. It took me about a couple of seconds to go from, what the hell is that, to holy shit, the chickens. Vicki's attitude was, go back to sleep, we can get more chickens. Needless to say, I exploded out of bed and ran down stairs. I grabbed a kung fu staff I keep in the mudroom, also I grabbed what turned out to be Vicki's blouse and put it on. I stumbled out to the chicken shed and expected to find total carnage. Upon opening the shed door I found three half asleep chickens, all with a disgusted, what is it now, what's with the blouse, look on their faces. I was out of breath, my head was pounding, and I was shaking uncontrollably from the adrenaline rush, but all was well. As I closed the door, they gave each other a, he means well look, and went back to sleep.

Wednesday Evening

So I was out on the deck, by myself, drinking a glass of antioxidants(red wine). I was watching my tortoise grazing in the grass(is a gas, baby can you dig it). There was a really cool vibe going, and I realized that I might love him. Not in love, but just plain love. He's a really cool creature, like some kind of baby dinosaur. The only downside to him is he shits like a sperm whale.

My Full Grown Dog's Head

Is smaller than an apple.

We Got Another Pool

Oh joy, my sister and her husband gave me a pool, I picked it up today. Its a kind of blow up one. Now I have to level a new spot in the yard and put some sand down. The spot where the old pool was, is being turned into a swing set/play area for the little swills. I would much rather have my eyes gouged out (or gouge the dogs eyes out myself) than be saddled with this project. I'm cracking under all this pressure.

Alaska Mountaineering

I found an old journal of mine from a trip I took to Alaska in 1989. It was a 30 day mountaineering trip with the National Outdoor Leadership School. I'm thinking of posting it un-edited, one post per day. They are pretty short and written in a kind of caveman style. Probably quite nonsensicle, we'll see.

DAY 1, Alaska 6/23/89

Bus ride to barn in Palmer(Alaska). get equipment, eat green chili corn chowder for lunch, talk about course objectives, learn about packing pack, distribute food for rationing, slept in barn with others with rain and mosquitoes, did not sleep well at all.

DAY 2, Alaska 6/24/89
Got up 6:30, finished packing pack, got dressed for field, eat sausage and pancakes for breakfast, leave headquarters for glacier, glacier place is unreal, set up tents, learn about stoves and a little about cooking, go out on glacier for first time and walk around, looks like this will be really fun and exciting course, come back and learn about cooking, we make mac and cheese with veggies, not much else, hang around and go to bed at 9:30. Sun hasn't gone down yet,

DAY 3, Alaska 6/25/89

Got up late, went and made breakfast, made cous-cous, it was pretty good, had class on knots, ate leftover cous cous for lunch, had class on anchoring and belaying, Millie lost pot in river, went on glacier, used ice axe and crampons for first time, looks like we are going to have a lot of fun, came back, Jon made some bread and we also made some sweet and sour rice concoction, bread ok, if you like raw bread, rice edible, had talk about goals and we did a puzzle with everyone's hands locked together, fun stuff, Mark read poem In Search of the Ultimate High, blister on small toe, I woke up this morning with Sambuca headache, this place is like heaven.

DAY 4, Alaska 6/26/89

woke up 6:30 made hashbrown with cheese(excellent), had class on knots, left for glacier at 9:00, had anchoring and ice screw class, ice climbing the rest of the day, was the only one to make it up advanced vertical ice, excellent day. handful of nuts and a piece of cheese for lunch(not hungry), Jon made some pasta dish for supper, had three bowls, cleaned dishes and went to bed, 9am to 7pm on ice, feet hurt

DAY 5, Alaska 6/27/89

woke up, I made pancakes at 6:00 AM, packed everything out, left camp for moraine with packs(heavy) at 9:30, Hiked for an hour at a time over rough terrain for four miles, got to camp at 3:00PM, feet killing, feels like rotten bone marrow cancer, set up camp, Jon made macs and cheese, then fixed up camp more, then me and Jon made awesome pizza, he made crust and I made sauce, aired out feet and I'm going to bed early

DAY 6, Alaska 6/28/89

woke up 6:30AM, had class on knots, then fixed line ascension and rope travel, had crepes for breakfast and hot potato pearls for lunch, after lunch we did some fixed line ascension and ice climbing, everybody thinks I'm great, Oregon Ron said "No way, not you, you're a madman", Millie made some kind of bulgar noodle pepper casserole for supper, at 10:00PM we had a social group meeting and played two lies and a truth, pretty funny, 11:30PM went to bed

DAY 7, Alaska 6/29/89

Woke up 6:30AM, had leftover casserole from last night, had class on knots and rappelling, had leftover casserole for lunch, this time it was a little better because a made a cheese sauce and added garlic to it, after lunch, went back to ice and did some fixed line ascension and some steep ice climbing with one axe, then belayed the guru for six consecutive climbs on vertical ice then he belayed me for three, I help pack up all the hardware and webbing up, had rasta pasta and chocolate cake for supper, then had meeting on expedition behavior, went to bed 11:00PM

DAY8, Alaska 6/30/89

Woke up 6:00AM, had seven grain cereal for breakfast, had topo map class, packed up and left, hiked about 5 miles with a couple of 15 minute breaks, set up camp, had hot drink and plain spagetti for supper, took nap, got woken up by knot police, had talk on evaluation, I made hot drinks for everyone, cup of soup with potato pearls, starting to rain, went to bed 10:00PM

DAY 9, Alaska 7/1/89

Got up 5:45AM, I made grits with brown sugar, cinnamon ans apples, we packed up everything then we hiked 7 miles, by far the hardest thing I ever did, huge blisters below my ankles, feet ache, got to new camp on river bar, off glacier at 4:30PM, set up camp, rested then had noodles and then some good rice dish, had meeting about how the day went, they said we did great, we are ahead of schedule, Mark told Grizz story, saw some grizzly tracks, rained off and on today, very, very tired, went to bed 9:00PM

Day 10, Alaska 7/2/89

Sunday. Woke up 8:00AM, had cornbread made by Millie, and I made some instant potatoes. Bread was great, had rope olympics, our team came in second, pretty fun, three events, then had primary response first aid class, then had lunch at 12:30, Jon made mac casserole, had three bowls. Had class on secondary response first aid, then compass and map reading class, then I laid on a grassy hillside and read a lot and rested in the sun for about two hours. Had banquet with other group, we made a mexican bean and rice dish, it was one of the better meals there, hung around a while then went to bed, feet still pretty blistered, aired out most of the day.

Day 11, Alaska 7/3/89

Woke up 7am, made hot water for drinks and potatoes for breakfast, had meeting at nine, went up mountain and practiced self arrest, step kicking, traversing and pigeon hole techniques(different ways of travel/climbing with and without crampons) Hit myself in the face with adze(the axe side of an ice axe) practiced falling and stopping myself, headfirst and on my back. Had lunch, then went on really wild climb over very steep and loose rock to top, then goose stepped down the rocks to camp, took good pictures, had brownie mush and mac and bulgar for supper, laid around for a while, cleaned up,had talk with tent mates about each others performance then had to write evaluation to instructors, tomorrow we get new tent mates, and a re ration of food, went to bed at 10:30pm, also Tom read a story of two ice climbers who didn't get along and one ended up getting hurt really bad.

Day 12, Alaska 7/4/89

Woke up 7:30, had some tea, hot cocoa then some stuff Erin made. Had class on glaciology. Tom gave us Milky Way bar, it was great, then had meeting on environmental injuries, which Brad taught, had leftover breakfast for lunch. Sat around rest of day waiting for plane to arrive, with more food. He didn't show up. Read and rested. ground squirel came up to me, had chow mein soup for dinner, sat around some more. Mark is going to read about a K2 expedition, then I'll go to bed about 10:00-10:30.

Day 13, Alaska 7/5/89

Airplane arrived at 7:30am, very small plane, crazy bush pilot. Got our re-ration and all of our snow climbing equipment, sorted out food and Jason made some good hash browns and cheese, had cup of tea. Had class on lichens(Mark) and one on crevasse rescue, then had macs and cheese for lunch, had tuna casserole(very good) which Jason made for dinner. Going out on a night climb, first real mountaineering. lay down but couldn't sleep, got ready and left at 10:30pm. Climbed all the way to the top with some unbelievable scenery, got back at 10:00am. Slept until 8:30pm.

ET Drawing

Tom Imitating my late grandmother's friend, Dolly

Fred McMental

Man, how am I supposed to know whats going on in the mind of a six year old girl, its hard, trying to be patient, trying to figure out whats wrong, using some kind of twisted double reverse psychology and fantasizing about ramming a fork in your own eye, all at the same time. Who gave me the credentials to even be a parent. Look at me, for God's sake. Oh, the Frankenstein cookies are done, see ya later.

The Doctor Of Manliness Show

Coming soon, we will be bringing you weekly episodes staring the Doctor of Manliness. I may jump a shark(or a turtle), on Taylor's mountain bike, for the first episode.

Mommy Nature Type Stuff

Me and the girls gathered up some frog eggs from the crick. Well, its this green goo that some frogs were sitting in, so I'm assuming its their eggs. Once they hatch, we will get some kind of aquarium and kick back and watch the show.

Leonardo's You Tube debut

It begins again

Well, well, well. Another Saturday morning is here. I'm sitting here alone, with a blanket over my head, drinking coffee. I'm not cold, the blanket just gives me comfort. This place is so quiet. The lazies (Vicki and Taylor) are still asleep. I'm trying to plan my day. I may pimp out my new ride, a 98 F-150 pick up truck. The inside smells like something that came out of the dogs ass.