The Hills Are Alive

Stepped in some chicken crap earlier, with bare feet, smells a bit. Wrapping up day three with no meat. Had to pass up some delicious sausage and meatballs at my Mom's house. I wanted to cry. I'm still not counting fish as meat. I'm watching the Sound of Music and lip syncing to Julie Andrews. So what. If you're the definition of manliness, you do what pleases you.

Cowboys like smokey old pool rooms...

Ah, working in my workshop, a little Willie Nel-Nel playing, a good cup of coffee. I've been building some portable walls to display my wife's art at an upcoming art show she's in. The walls are made of 1/2 inch electrical conduit, welded together to make a frame, and some screen welded to that. Welding galvanized pipe is highly toxic, which adds a little spice to the project. I think its the burning zinc that's the problem. I've welded up one section of wall, I'll do the rest of the welding outside, so I don't die. I have all the pieces cut, using my drill press to get tight fitting joints. My feet have lots of little burn marks in them from welding with sandals on. Its a wonderful day to be alive.

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night

Once again, all is quiet. June has her strap around my neck. June, she's waiting, the little vixen. Too quiet though, when she gets going she can get a little loud. Our bellies softly touching. Maybe if I stroke her gently Vicki wont hear us. Softness doesn't work with her. I thrash her violently, Vicki screams at me from upstairs. "Enough with the f-ing banjo, ya weirdo". That ends that. I had fish and chips for dinner tonight, so day 2 is a meatless one.

Fish is not meat, besides is there anything dumber than a fish? So, we have established that I can eat fish. Be back later.

Really bad meat withdrawals today. Terrible headache. Can't talk now.

The D.O.M. Gives up Meat: Day 1

No more dining on the souls of the furry. This is NOT for health reasons. It's just that I'm sick of hearing(in my head but just as real) the screaming of the tortured suffering animals, as I gnaw on their flesh. I had chicken wings yesterday(delicious, by the way), and I realized that I was eating someones arm. HELLO, I ate both of a chicken's arms. Someone raised a chicken, just so I could eat its arms. Today was day one, no animals were killed in feeding me today. Today I ate a multi grain bagel with cream cheese for breakfast, 3 slices of cheese pizza for lunch and homemade macs and cheese for dinner. Obviously, I wont be living that long eating cheese at every meal. I'll have to work on that. I do hate vegetables.

D.O.M. on the Santa's Village train

Vacation: conclusion

We arrived home around 2pm. Stopped in Lincoln and did a nice little hike along the Pemigewasett river. Long day, with lots of driving. I'm glad to be back. Nice trip overall, the kids had fun.

Vaction: continued, in the field

Sunday 5pm
Exhausting ride up to the hotel. My wife and I couldn't hate each other more. Living is pointless. We just got in from shopping in North Conway. "They" are playing some Colorform game on the bed. I'm sitting in the corner with my back to the window and feet up on a chair. Iced coffee(my only friend in the world) sits by my side. I had a hot dog with bacon and cheese for lunch. It was fantastic. I'm thinking of sleeping in the bathtub like John Lennon in "Norwegian Wood". They sell clam chowder next door. I wish my family was a sniper rifle. I should have brought my banjo. Swine is the only meat I dig. It's funny because it's the only animal I have empathy for. While pumping gas a few years back, a hog on its way to slaughter called out to me, as it drove by in the back of a pick up truck. Kind of a wee wee wee sound as it passed me. To me it translated into, " I don't want to die, do something D.O.M". OK, now I have to go get them Wendy's.

Monday 7pm
Tension eased up from yesterday. We are winding down in the hotel room. This morning's breakfast had a Katrina disaster victim feel to it. It was "served" buffet style, in what looked like a make-shift relief center. The food was set up on tables on one side and a bunch of folding tables with not nearly enough chairs to go around. Lots of parents just milling around drinking coffee while children and the elderly sat and ate their cereal. No hotel staff to be seen,just a couple of hobos who kept the coffee and bagels coming. I was half expecting a spokesman from F.E.M.A. to come in with some kind of de-briefing. Good coffee though. Storyland was OK, I got to ride on a train. The kids liked it too. At dinner tonight we all stormed out of a restaurant before our dinner arrived because they had no diet Coke and Vicki lost it. We had a Mickey D picnic back at the hotel. I felt that I had a better grasp of reality today.

Tuesday

Slept on floor, to shut family up. Went to Santa's Village. Absolute highlight of the trip(maybe the year!) was when this annoying little girl, could not have been more than two, smacked her head on some cement stairs and started crying. I was behind the little beast for a half an hour, her mother let her run all over the place. She had a, isnt my daughter so cute as she tears appart your stuff attitude. After she bashed her head, her Mom picked her up. The little girl was rubbing her ear and crying. I was grining ear to ear with the biggest smile, looking right at the mother. It was all I could do to keep from laughing. I wish I had a megaphone so I could laugh right in the girls crying face.

D.O.M. Portrait

The Calm Before the Storm.

Still quiet, people running around getting ready. Do we really want to do this? I'm sitting here, trying to learn "Will the Circle Be Unbroken", on the banjo. Taking a little break. Some idiot just flew by the house in one of those go-cart parachute airplanes. I told them it was Mary Poppins.

Vacation: Day 2

What's it do to your brain to be constantly in the company of two six year old girls? They view me as their own personal Jerry Lewis. What are we gonna do now? Do something silly. Go run into that tree again. I'm hungry. Put on a puppet show. Put that chicken down. What would be great is, if I had one of those circus cannons. I could escape by getting in it and shooting myself into the forest. "Hold that thought girls, let me just climb in here". Then, BLAM, see ya. Giving them the finger as I rocket to certain doom. Then there's the up coming trip to Storyland, it's looming over me, like a five hundred foot Charles Nelson Reiley. He has a gift for me. Madness. Maybe that's what I need. Embrace the inevitable.

Missy the Chicken

Leo , The African Sulcata

Sushi Drawing (Our dog)

Developing Story

I got one of the chickens to eat out of my mouth!

Vacation: Day 1

Boy it's quiet. They're all upstairs, either sleeping or reading. Electrocuted myself at my sister's house earlier, like I've done hundreds of times before. Nothing else even comes close to that feeling. It actually makes me stronger. Anyway, today I found out that a mouse I was trying to make friends with passed away. Taylor found it in the chicken food bin, dead. I was planning on catching it. Shit, I'm starting to cry again(no I'M not, I never cry. Yes you do, you cried when Elvis died, and at the end of True Grit when the Big Duke shoots it out with Lucky Ned Pepper). Also made friends(real friends) with a spider that is setting up shop on my bulkhead stairs. Pretty big spider. You can tell a spider almost anything, great listeners, not like my human wife. I caught Leo, the giant tortoise, eating fox crap today. I think it's OK for them to eat such things. When he was done, I put him back in his pen and tossed him a zucchini from the garden. He devoured that as well. I'M a little worried about the upcoming vacation with the family. It's been only one day and I can feel myself turning. Lots of babbling in my head. They sent me to Pizza Hut to get food and I actually said out loud while driving, "Please God, let me get into a fistfight here." Actually I say that whenever I go to any place where there are people. You know what, that's not true. I love all living beings. And for that matter, it may be true, because swapping fist sandwiches with someone doesn't have to be about hate. Just a bit of unconventional fun. Besides I only pummel people in my head, for my own amusement. What is the point of all this, I know not. Might have something to do with the two hour nap I had today.

Vacation: Hour 1

Hour 1 of my vacation. Already bored. I have the next six days off. Trying to get the chickens to come in the house. They're having no part of it. Thinking of making another cup of coffee. I've had too much today already. Could that last sentence be any more UN-American? Pardon me while I go Keurig myself another cup. OK, I'm back. If you don't know what Keurig is, it's the official coffee maker of The Doctor of Manliness. If you don't have one, consider yourself sickening. I've got to go out in the workshop to cut some wood for Verde to paint on. Bare foot and shirtless, Tom Jones cranking, table saw shredding lumber, caffeine rage, covered in a cloud of sawdust, and loving it.

The D.O.M. Roadshow

So today I found out that I get to spend my last few vacation days, of the year, at Storyland, with the fam. Oh gee, can I really? I wish I knew someone who could shoot a cannonball into my belly. How about I spend a few days by myself in the woods, go on a little vision quest. Starve myself, get naked and chain myself to a tree. Maybe getting into a drunken fistfight with a thorn bush. After a few days, come crashing out of the woods and sprint right into an oncoming Greyhound bus. No, I'm sure I'll be fine, Storyland will be fantastic. I'll make it so, me, my huge arms and sledgehammer fists.

Sunday With The D.O.M.

I'm at an antique shop this afternoon, on the hunt for some manly goodies. The items I covet the most are canes, banjos, any kind of puppet, pipes, straight razors and, any and all things Bozo. I'll wet myself if I see anything with the Fonz on it. I want to find a vintage pipe, so I can start smoking. I also love the smell of old stuff. Anyway, the two owners were bickering with each other, which I found very entertaining. I was half listening to them and half day dreaming when all of a sudden an older gentleman with one of those electronic voice boxes comes in and starts talking. I almost crapped myself I was so scared. I frantically looked around for Vicki. The bitch was nowhere to be seen, probably watching me from a hidden location and getting a good laugh. He was between me and the door, I thought about crashing through the window. What would the Fonz do? I crouched down around some furniture and ducked through a side door before he could see me. That was close. Back to the mission. I found my wife who was carrying some stupid metal birdbath, that she just had to have. I found a pig marionette, but I couldn't get it to work. I also found a Captain Kirk doll, that was the balls, but Vicki said no. I hate her.

The Water Guy(Ghost Dog) continued.

So I pretend to take a sip from my water, for the fourth time. I notice the guy at the next table is staring at me. Does he know I'm not really drinking water? I'm just trying to get the water guys attention, so he will come over and check my glass, only to find that it's still full. Vicki is next to me babbling away. The water guy has filled up my glass twice already. There are actually two of them, it looks like Ghost Dog (my nemesis) is training a new guy. My trick hasn't worked, so I take a real sip. Vicki keeps interrupting me. Ghost Dog comes out and like a blur that no one else sees, but me, he tops off everyone in the room's water glass but mine. I want to pound my fist into his face. MY WATER NEEDS TO BE REFRESHED OVER HERE, HELLO! Five minutes later the rookie comes by and tops off my water, which I immediately drink. I watch the rookie leave the room, I turn to reach for the water and Ghost Dog has just filled it again. Is this all going on in my head, or do we really have some kind of game going on here. It's real to me, and that's all that matters.

We got tom toms

I was out "weeding" the "World Manliness Headquarters" garden and I noticed that we have some tom toms sprouting. I was just about to rip the weed out of the ground when I noticed a couple of baby tomatoes on it, so I cleared all the other weeds around it. This is the first time, since planting, that I have done anything except watering. I buffed up the weeds around the zucchini and carrots as well. All the pulled weeds got tossed into Leo, the African Sulcatta's pen(that pig will eat anything including excrement).

Ice Cream

I just dished out a Jethro Bodine sized bowl of ice cream. I dropped a scoop on the kitchen floor. I looked at it and thought long and hard about leaving it there, then I picked it up, looked at it again, then shoved it into my mouth and ate it. Edys French Silk, half the fat, so you can eat twice as much. Its bad karma to waste good ice cream, that my friends is in the Bible. Look it up.

Keurig Coffee

Just ate 3 cookies-feel sick.
Must kill the rodent(need to keep wife happy).
I think she just wants to see if she can make me kill something.
I have to go out in the yard for some quality turtle time.
This coffee is good, makes me clench my teeth(jaw hurts).
Taylor still has her pajamas on(5:14pm).
May start smoking cigarettes.
I might have to do dobbies(poops).
Later, screwballs.

Squirrel Repeller

Back to the Drawing Board

Squirrel Problem: Solved!

Installed a little dome to keep the sqirrel away.

Glasses

I got my bifocals today. I need to stab myself in the chest.

Saturday Night

So I spent tonight at a fashion show at an art gallery. My wife and a bunch of other artists were modeling some wearable art made by an artist in the old mill building that houses 150 plus artist studios. Here I was, a guy who was put on this earth to destroy things, crush little bunnies, fight monsters on remote islands, lots of stuff, Evel Knievel type stuff. Where was I going with this, oh, so I'm sitting here with a bunch of quilt loving old ladies mixed in with the cast from one flew over the cuckoos nest, sipping white wine and snacking on mini powdered doughnuts on a Saturday night. Saturday night! I should be out pounding bad guys with my cinderblock- like fists.

The Dalai Lama of Manliness

Vintage photo, boating (raiding lobster traps and drinking) with my late father Tony and brother Tom in back. The arm steering the boat is attached to Siggy, who was deemed too violent to join the Marines in 1961.

OIympic Rant

I heard on the news that a bunch of Americans were protesting in China, and they were deported. I have a great idea. How's this, get a job and start paying taxes, creeps. You're a guest in a foreign country,Bitch. Protest by showing some class, lead by example. This is about the athletes, it's not about how wonderful you are. I love it when some hempster boards a whaling vessel out at sea, jumping up and down, getting in the face of some fisherman who is just trying to make a living so he can feed his family. When the kid gets pummeled by the crew, there is a big uproar. "Hey did you see that, he hit me". He hit you? How about he lobs your head off and boots it into the ocean for boarding his vessel. Again, go get a job and start paying taxes. By the way, no living creature has any more right to live than any other living being. A spider has as much right to live as a whale, or anything else for that matter. How about creating an industry that will put the Japanese fishermen to work that doesn't involve whaling. Another by the way, whaling is about the manliest job in the history of humankind. It's not my bag but I'm not going to judge a culture that's been around for centuries, just because I want to put off becoming an adult. You people think, by pooping on the Olympic athlete's day in the sun, you are going to change whats going on in Africa? Want to solve the Darfur problem? Go there and start protesting. Didn't think so.

Harvesting Carrots

The fam. harvested some carrots today. Not quite what I expected, but hey, I'm off the grid. Well, not quite, I havent found any cheese doodle seeds, so I'm stuck buying them at the market. We got two eggs today. Both of them were found in the bottom compartment of the barbeque. I think the other chicken is laying her's in the woods. I need some more hens. I just had a thought. Turtle eggs! Turtle f-ing eggs! It's the last piece of the puzzle, my eyes are welling up. I need a female tortoise. I'll eat the eggs. Everybody will. They lay like 100 at a time. She can not refuse this logic, it's flawless. The chickens can go to hell. So can you, and anyone else that tries to stop me. I'm the D.O.M.

OK, Enough Already

I am sick of the whining sissy athletes complaining about the smog in China. The American "cyclists" showed up wearing black respiratory masks. You know what? Go home you big babies. You disgust me. Take your little protest masks off and run your stupid race. Oh, and make sure you give a good tip to the 90 year old chain smoking woman that ran you, in the smog, 20 miles in a ricksahw,up hill, to your hotel.

More finches!

She got two more finches today. So we have four finches, two chickens, one chinchilla, two tortoises, and a dog. Oh, and three girls. I think my mind jumped off at the last stop on the Doctor of Manliness express. I wont admit it to my wife but I couldn't love anything more than I love those peeping little sweetie pies. She keeps catching me talking to them, in bird language of course. I don't know what it is , but all the wild things form an instant bond with me. I don't know where this came from but I just had a thought that the birds would like to be clapped between two cymbals. Thoughts like that come and go, all day long.

Finches?

My wife is on a bird kick. She just got two little finches and wants more. I can't have a woodchuck, but she can bring these filthy scumbags into my bedroom. Tweeting and chirping, it makes me want to wretch. They're not even real birds, it's like, if our dog was a bird it would be a finch. The Doctor of Manliness has finches now. I have to go slap myself in the face. I can hear them as we speak, they sound more like a cricket than a bird. I'm like this great statue made of granite, muscle and twisted steel, and everywhere and everyone around me is chipping away at my manliness. My wife gets finches, my doctor turns himself into a woman, I'm a four-eyes who needs bifocals, I sold my motorcycle, I used to go ice climbing now I go antiquing and as I look now, out the window, I see my tortoise destroying my garden. Oh and I have a garden.

Friday

Crumpling my glasses in a ball and throwing them in the trash at Papa Gino's, I now realize, was a mistake. My new glasses wont be here for two weeks.