Am I the only one?

While standing in line at the supermarket, did you ever wish you could turn yourself into a rocket and just launch yourself straight up and crash thru the roof, while raining confetti on everyone, with see ya later losers written on the confetti?

No time to be The D.O.M.

I just recently joined Facebook. I also have a "Myspace" page, two blogs and two cell phones, one of which has internet access. The Facebook page make absolutely no sense,it's not even fun, but I am addicted to it. When I'm not on Facebook, I can be found watching a never ending stream of drawing tutorials. My physical body is turning to jelly(jelly that is full of rage) and I'm losing my mind. I have not a point. Need to get back on track, I need to be "combat ready" once again.

What if.....

I(or you) had a net cannon. You know, the kind of cannon that fires a giant net at a caped buffalo and the the poor animal drives itself mad trying to get free. My reasoning, OK this is all hypothetical and would never ever do this, my reasoning is, there are some crazies that roam the various cities of, lets say, New Hampshire. Lets also say that you knew that one or more of them had superhuman powers, like running really fast or jumping really high for no reason. My (or someone like me but not me), thinking is this. What if we could capture them and then somehow rehabilitate them to the extent that we could enter them in contests(with cash prizes) that showcase their particular "special" powers. This is where the net cannon would come in.

I'm Afraid!

So I was at the bar in Bertucci's yesterday, waiting for my meatball pannini, and I'm watching the lead up to President Obama's swearing in. I was absolutely awestruck at the whole DC scene. The mass of humanity, the positive vibe going around, just amazing. If I was anyone but the D.O.M., I would be crying. I only cry when I watch John Wayne movies. Any way, I'm watching and the camera is bouncing around showing all the celebrities and politicians that are in the crowd. The camera stops on a group of big time politicians, Bill Clinton was among them, all very happy. Then I caught site of this giant face behind Clinton, he wasn't smiling. He was just staring into the back of Bill's head, like he was trying to set it on fire with his mind. It was Al Gore, no one was paying any attention to him which I found odd because of his size. Not that he was fat, it's more like, he was one and a half his normal size. Like you blew him up in a copy machine. So I'm staring at him, hypnotized, and he turns his head and looks right at me, right into my eyes, that's when he smiled. The hair on the back of my neck stood up. It's like he saw me through the television. At that moment I realized that no one else could see him. At that moment I learned the true meaning of fear...

Quando quando quando

Engelbert Humperdinck (can I say that?) is cranked up to 11. Can it get any better? The kids and I have been dancing up a storm. The last of the "IL Bastardo" is in my gullet. Vicki isn't here, thank God, she'd kill us. Puppets everywhere, my lame music is crankin. It all started with me trying to teach the girls their spelling words. They know them all, but whenever I asked them to spell one, their response was making me want to punch them in the face. Me saying "Spell the word think" was answered with them rolling their eyes in the back of their heads and spinning around uncontrollably and laughing at me. To me they seemed bored out of their bat shit crazy minds, so I came up with a plan to burn off some energy. Dance party! I made them go get all the puppets and cranked up some Chuck Berry. I poured myself a glass of wine, and it was on. Next thing you know I was boogieing in the kitchen with a cookie monster puppet. What's weird, among all this happiness, was when I was in the kitchen dancing, I thought to myself "I hope someone breaks in right now, so I can kill them" Other than that we had a fabulous time. Things seem to be winding down, it's jammie time for them (I've had mine on all day), and Mrs D.O.M. should be home soon. I need to get this place back to normal.

The D.O.M. Is Getting Tired

There's got to be something wrong. I'm listening to Waylon Jennings radio and I'm drinking lemon tea. I should be punching someone or something in the face to this music, instead I'm in my jammies sipping herbal tea. Hold on. My feet are cold. I have to go get my slippers. Ahhh, much better. Anyway, I feel myself slipping away. In the words of the World Champion Loon, David Alan Coe, "I need a little time off, for bad behavior" I think I'm about due to go climb a mountain. Trouble is I'd rather go hang out at the bookstore. Sometimes I think the old D.O.M. needs to hang up his "Fists of Justice" and get himself a corncob pipe, and kick back. I feel kind of like Santa, when he almost canceled Christmas.

New Years Resolutions : 4, Stop stealing pens.

Dinner

So I'm paying for our meal at this restaurant. The Waiter was pretty bad. I asked him for his pen so I could sign the check. I looked into Mrs. D.O.M. eyes for the "green light". She gave it to me. I stole his pen. I haven't taken a wait persons pen in over a year, I thought I was over it. But you know, that thrilling feeling never leaves you. The trick, actually its more of an art form, is in the extreme coolness in the way you pull it off. You have to act like it's your pen. The pen you've had since you were born. I first started stealing pens in junior high school. At lunch, as the students were in line getting their food I would get about fifty pens, every day. Most of the time I would just throw them in the trash. I did it just for my own amusement. I started stealing pens again after my Dad died, as a way to honor him. I would say, "this one's for Tony" after each pen I took. After a few months I stopped, until tonight. This was most likely a one time relapse, or I should say I wont take another pen unless the situation calls for it. Also let me make this clear, I am an honest man. This has nothing to do with thievery. I don't even like pens. Or you.

Chinese Take Out

I needed to kill some time while my Chinese food order was being cooked. So, I went over to buy a couple of items for Mrs. D.O.M. at CVS. I get in line behind this loon. The teller asks the woman if she has a CVS rewards card, the woman's brain almost exploded at this question. She asked for a complete run down as to how the rewards program works. I was right behind her and all I could think about was should I womp her on the side of the head, smashing her out of my way, with the "earth friendly" laundry detergent or the pack of computer paper. This thought diffused my anger. When the woman was finished, the teller and I had a good laugh.

My Inner Sanctum

Deep in the bowels of "World Manliness Headquarters" is where you will find my lair. All my revenge plotting is done here.

New Years Resolutions : 3 , Become More Normal

I'm sitting on my couch, rubbing my forehead. The girls are upstairs playing the opening music to "Davey and Goliath" on their DVD player over and over, full blast. I'm leaning back and the entire room is a blur, due to my stupid bi-focals. A little orange blob on the TV stand brings me back into the now, it's the "Heat Miser" action figure I bought for one of my daughters. I'm just now beginning to question my parenting skills/qualifications. My only contributions to the pile of Christmas presents were "Heat Miser" and "Snow Miser" and "Davey and Goliath" action figures. Heat Miser looks like the Devil and Davey IS the Devil. I might as well have bought them a Gatling Gun and a big bag of crack. For the sake of my children I need to pull myself back into the land where the normal people live.

New Years Resolutions : 2

Do not shave in 2009

Saturday Night

Listening to Pandora radio(online) vintage Merle Haggard is playing, I'm drawing as a dig the tunes. It's the only therapy that seems to work for me. No one is bothering me, life is good. I'm in a place in my mind that no one can get to. The Pandora website lets you create your own radio station. So I created Waylon Jennings radio, old timey outlaw music. It's holy music to me, the kind they play in heaven(in the seedy honky tonk section). Except for this newer George Jones song that's playing, he should have parked the bus a dozen years ago.

New Years Resolutions : 1

Stop picking on Al Gore

Happy New Year Everyone