The African Sulcata as a Pet

I found Leonardo while driving in my work van about four years ago. I was stuck in a traffic jam and I got out of the van to see what was going on and noticed everyone was stopped because a large tortoise was walking down the middle of the street. At first I thought it was a snapping turtle because thats the only thing around here that could be that big. I got a better look at it and I knew it wasn't from these parts so I made my way through the crowd and picked up the beast and put him in the back of my van. I didn't know at the time that it was the third largest tortoise species on the planet. I called my wife and,excitedly, told her that I found a tortoise in the road and was bringing it home. She was picturing a box turtle when I told her, boy was she surprised. Anyway that was the beginning of our life with Leo the African Sulcata.

Mount Monadnock

Two seconds after I realized that I've gone as far as I could go installing the carpet in the new classroom downstairs, the argument that's been going on in my head for months picked up right where it left off. The inside off my skull is like a drunken Parliament meeting where someone exploded a gigantic killer bee bomb. Everyone running around screaming. Hookers, politicians, crazy relatives, serial killers, clowns, chickens, Howdy Doody, Jethro Bodine, all of "Them". And I'm screaming back at them, because they're all nuts. So ,thinking that I was going to be alone the rest of the day, I knew I wasn't going to "last" very long. So I came up with the idea of hiking up Mount Monadnock. A four mile fairly strenuous hike on an 80 degree day. Perfect for chasing the demons away. After eating a huge bowl of macaroni and cheese I got myself an iced coffee from Dunkins and drove the hour and a half to the 3000ft mountain. I pull up to the gate and the ranger gives me the whole "Hi, how are you, nice day isn't it" crap. He asks me if I've ever been here before and if I needed a map. I was like, "you too? I'm The F-ing D.O.M.!, just give me my ticket before I stab you." If I get lost, just look to the sky to see all the bodies I will be hurling off the mountain. Anyway, I put on my late Uncle George's hiking boots, slung my rucksack over me back and headed up the trail.

So things were going pretty good. I had to stop to take some aspirin to try and stop the baby headache that was forming and I had to go to the bathroom but the place was surrounded by a group of young "feel gooders" sitting at the picnic tables all "happy". No thanks. Probably pee my pants later anyway. OK. So my hiking strategy was to plod along when nobody was around and when I encountered anyone I would triple my speed past them, while holding my breathe so they wouldn't hear how heavy I was panting. What's weird is I didn't feel the effect of my hiking style until I stopped to catch my breathe after a particularly steep section(where a lot of people were resting, so I wasn't breathing out, only slowly in as I passed them, just so they would feel bad at how amazing I was). Anyway, at the top of this section, I stopped to take my first break and it felt like someone had shrink wrapped my face. Not only could I not breathe but my heart was beating so fast I couldn't recognize any individual beats. It was like a hummingbirds heart. A hummingbird that ate cheese at every meal,every day of its life. After letting my body calm down for about five minutes I set off again, repeating this process often. About two thirds of the way up my legs started to shake uncontrollably and I seriously thought that they would just buckle under me and stop working but they didn't and I got into a really good rhythm and made the summit in about and hour(I've done it in less than half that time in the distant past). Above treeline on Monadnock was absolutely beautiful. Very inspiring. Idiots lazing around being stupid on the summit kept me from spending any time up there. I did stop often on the way down to enjoy the fine view and have some snacks. At some point while making my way down the mountain I realized that there hadn't been any arguments in my head since I started the hike. I had found some peace. I even started talking and even encouraging the fellow hikers that I came across. I didn't hate them anymore. Not up there on the mountain anyway. I even waved (one finger) at the ranger on the way out. Then one more iced coffee for the road and back to stupid reality.

Vacation Day

Beautiful day hiking with the girls

The Wood Frog and Mother Nature's Son

The cold little guy sits in the road
Terrified!
Love is near
A warm glow overwhelms him
He bends down
Raining tears of goodness on his new friend
Picking up this little tan guy
An eternal bond is made
Placed in the tall grass
Words unspoken
They part ways
Sadness and Joy

Day One of Trying to be Normal

The pounding rain is relaxing. Today we need to go pick out a carpet at Lowes for the kids classroom downstairs. I'll pick it up tomorrow with "The Smoke Eater". My Uncle Tim is installing it because if me and Tom put it in it would look like Spongebob and Patrick did it.

Family Vacation

So I made it back from our family vacation last week. 95 degrees in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. Thousands of kids and their stupid parents. Me trapped waiting in the sweltering lines with my family. I cant tell you how many times I pointed at other peoples children and tried to "will" fire out of my finger tips and ignite the little bastards. I did "accidentally" "stand" on an annoying little girls foot while waiting in line to get a Storyland sticker from Mother Goose. Then there was the riding around from one tourist trap to another with my "family". Every last ounce of my mental discipline, I mean every little morsel every last crumb of strength was needed to keep me from unbuckling my seat belt opening the passenger door and doing a Jacques Cousteau type backward roll out the passenger door(giving my peeps the finger on the way out) of our speeding car and happily tumbling down the highway only to be ground up under the merciful wheels of an eighteen wheeler. It's like tonight at bath time. Try being as nerved up as me and give two seven year old girls a bath, they either sit there laughing or crying at me, mocking me. I'd rather wash a pair of filthy hogs. At least I can punch and kick them into behaving. Sometimes I wish I had a pull chain hanging from the ceiling and when it just got too much for me too handle I just pull the chain and one of those ten ton weights from Monty Python comes crashing down on my head. "Wash your bums!" Why? ha, ha, ha, fuck you Dad" BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE THE SHIT COMES OUT!" So yes, I'm totally rejuvenated from my vacation,

Random Kindness

Denali National Park 1993. This lovely volunteer park ranger met us after we came down from the mountain. She had a tray of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies (just thinking about this again is bringing tears to my eyes). I have my arm around her and I haven't showered in 5 weeks(or used toilet paper) and my face is peeling off. I tried to stuff her in my backpack and take her home.

Last Of The V8 Interceptors

Exit Kia Sportage enter the new Official Car of World Manliness Headquarters. Suck it Al Gore!

Family Vacation

This afternoon "The Vacation" starts. I get to be trapped in a tiny "Korean" suv for four days with my family. Four days of clenching my fists tighter and tighter and tighter. The inside of my head filled with screams. I need a vacation from the planet. My idea of a perfect vacation would be to be encapsulated in one of those bombs that burrow into the earth before they explode, then just fire me into the side of a mountain. Anyway, I'm sure we'll have loads of fun.

African Tortoise on the loose

My pal Leo

Ted Nugent VS James Carville

Right now I'm reading "Ted, White and Blue" by Ted Nugent and I've told Mrs D.O.M. to find me a book from the "other" side and I would read it. So after Sir Ted's book I'll be reading James Carville's new book. I'll post my take on both books when I'm finished. I've never read any of Mr Carville's stuff but I like that fact that he killed people for the Clinton's and he's a regular guest on Imus.

Saturday continued

Lately I've be as close to a nervous breakdown as a person can get without actually crossing over. It's like I'm standing on the very end of a diving board outside of the International Space Station and I have a rope around my neck. A rhinocerous that's been floating around in space has just found the other end of the rope and has wet itself with giddiness. The rhino, lets call her "Madness", puts the rope around her neck and all of a sudden starts doing the Macarena. Then I snap out of it and I realize I'm still on this side of the "Normal". I'm at the artist's building and I'm working on the storage units that they're paying me to build. I get back to work and all of a sudden I hear "This looks like fun". I turn to see who it is and it's a clown. No lie. Also keep in mind that I haven't seen another person all day. Acting as if this is the most normal thing that's ever happened to me, we strike up a conversation. I don't even acknowledge that he's a clown. After he left I thought to myself "that was probably the most normal person I have ever met". I felt so at ease, the clown somehow took all of my stress away.

Saturday In The Land of OZ

Today I'll be building storage units for some artists. I'm making 15 cages for them to store their stuff. Working there late last night and pounding down white wine spritzers like a mad viking has put a damper on my mood and energy. I need coffee.

Tuesday

Not unlike Ted Bundy, I sit rocking in my chair gazing out the window. I'm staring at my African tortoise and pickin the banjo. Why, exactly, am I on this planet? I have a plan I'm about to hatch to get in good with the woodchuck. It's quite foolproof. Nothing wrong with having a pet groundhog. They're expendable. I can have this one. The torstoise just walked outside of my field of vision. I've got to go get him and put him back in his pen for the night