Finches?

My wife is on a bird kick. She just got two little finches and wants more. I can't have a woodchuck, but she can bring these filthy scumbags into my bedroom. Tweeting and chirping, it makes me want to wretch. They're not even real birds, it's like, if our dog was a bird it would be a finch. The Doctor of Manliness has finches now. I have to go slap myself in the face. I can hear them as we speak, they sound more like a cricket than a bird. I'm like this great statue made of granite, muscle and twisted steel, and everywhere and everyone around me is chipping away at my manliness. My wife gets finches, my doctor turns himself into a woman, I'm a four-eyes who needs bifocals, I sold my motorcycle, I used to go ice climbing now I go antiquing and as I look now, out the window, I see my tortoise destroying my garden. Oh and I have a garden.