I Almost Forgot

While driving around looking for antique shops with my wife we spotted two baby woodchucks by the side of the road and I had a major meltdown. She refused to stop the car so I could get out and "Get" one. She thought I was joking when I screamed "PULL THE FUCK OVER". She just laughed, going along with what she thought was a joke. I was dead serious. It's been a lifelong dream of mine to find an abandoned baby woodchuck and raise it as my own. The farther we got from my dream the more frantic I became. I started to thrash around in my seat like I was being electrocuted, violently tearing at the seat belt and pulling at the door handle which she kept locking. I punched her in the side of her neck(in my mind)then slammed myself back into my seat and began to pout. That lasted about ten seconds until I remembered the old pipe I bought at the flea market. I pulled it out of my bag, looked out the window and took a long draw from the unlit pipe then(with filthy pipe in hand) I started talking like Thurston Howell for the next two hours

Bad Ass Vacation. Not for Everyone

Zoos, antique shopping, plain hamburgers, claw machines, me throwing a tantrum for not being allowed to buy a puppet, making fun of people, watching Mrs D.O.M. yell at Sarah Palin on her laptop, borrowing a pencil so I could draw Willy Wonka, stealing beach toys, buying a Ballad of The Green Berets album, buying an old pipe that smells like it was stored in a World War II veteran's ass. Drinking Guiness, listening to Mrs D.O.M. scream in traffic at Marine twice my size, watching Mrs D.O.M. flip old lady driver the bird, stand on corner in Ogunquit while Mrs D.O.M. shops for dresses, contemplating why I am even on this planet

Godspeed Little M.C.

I let M.C. Cain go today. The baby snapping turtle we found in the driveway last fall is finally home where he belongs, in the river across the street from my house. As I was driving to work this morning I tossed him out the window of my van and into the river below. I will miss him. He was like a son to me.

Sunday Eve

Home all day playing with my two little girls. They love Frankenstein, so we played that for a while. That ended when I, as Frankenstein, threw one of the girls into a pond when I spilled my tiny cup of imaginary tea all over my lap. Then I took a two hour nap. Mrs. D.O.M. finally came home and fed us and brought me a quart of Maple Walnut iced cream(which is like steroids to The D.O.M.). I'm eating it right now, out of a Pinocchio bowl. My stupid kids wont stop giggling. What kind of damage is that doing to my brain?

Tinman Marionette Finished

Sunday Morning

Working on the Tin Man Marionette.
Hangin out with the kids.
Drinking coffee.
Wasting more time on the computer.
Homeschool math today.
Cleaned Sulcata Tortoise pen with shovel.
Herman, the smaller tortoise has been left outside in the garden for a week now. Don't know if he's still there.
The Chickens suck.
Mrs D.O.M. escaping to studio.
She is nagging me to get them dressed.

I ate a Kangaroo last night

...and it was DELISH!!!!!!

Bathed in The Light of Shining Goodness: Hell's Canyon Idaho

Fathers Day Project: Making a Real Tin Man

I've been working on this, off and on, for the past two days. A steel "Tinman" marionette. Very heavy and sharp. Just what the Doctor ordered. He's not quite finished though. You can double click on the image to get a better look.

Last Night

So I'm at the local Barnes and Noble bookstore in Manchester New Hampshire. Wait a minute, Vicki is making me enraged with her complaints about the Willie Nelson song that's playing. A song about a red headed stranger shooting a woman for touching his horse. She should take heed. Fine! OK no more Willie. Where was I? Anyway I head over to the section that has all the Monster Garage man among men stuff. The whole section is gone. Hold on, now my kids are asking me to go down the basement and find my old Frankenstein model for them. W.T.F. All right, so the whole "how to build a Sherman Tank" section is gone and it's replace by the newly expanded nature section. Now I know I'm the only one who knows this was done deliberately. Visibly enraged I frantically storm around the bookstore looking for the Man section. If you could view the bookstore from above it would have looked like everyone else in the store had been put in slow motion and I was speeding around,like Benny Hill, from section to section looking for some Jesse James books and occasionally ripping someones dress off or slapping some old guys bald head. After like five trips around the store I found myself at the help desk trying to calm myself down before I approached the communist behind the desk. I asked the hemp wearing freak where the welding and motorcycle books went. She led me to a tiny shelf in between the magazines and the kids section. She just snickered and said "we've downsized this section a bit". After smacking(in my head) her across her jib with Dennis Leary's "Why We Suck" book I stormed out of the store( after brousing around for a while in the nature section and then spending another half an hour looking for my wife, who was my ride).

Leo the Sulcata. Kickin Back

Wedding Today

I've dusted off my Roman sandals. I've polished my beads.

Wednesday

Waylon Jennings is crankin
Its almost bath time
Its hard being The D.O.M.
When you're washing your kids hair
Are you Sure Hank one It This Way?
My Dad was in "The Can" when I was their age
Gonna buy a pack of Camels tomorrow
I mean, is this it?

Dress Shopping?

OK. So I'm in the dress department with my wife surrounded by all these other women and all this girly stuff, I'm finding it difficult to breathe. Naughty things all around me, I dare not take a peak though I desperately want to. "They" will catch me. Mrs D.O.M. is like "do you like this one?" over and over. Each time she asks is like the pull of the trigger. The live round getting closer and closer until BLAM! My head explodes. I'm not meant to be here. I should be out there, burning something or practicing my backhanded smack in the face or sitting atop a high building,crying, wearing my pterodactyl suit but no, this was my idea. While she is in the dressing room I'm just standing there, I feel like a rapist, everyone is staring at me. How do you act casual standing in one spot for what seemed like hours surrounded by bras and panties. Then we had to get stupid shoes . All of a sudden she has no shoes. Then purses. At least they're cool. I ended up getting a kick ass man purse.

The D.O.M. Collection